To paraphrase my favourite columnist Caitlan Moran, it doesn’t require much skill to write a Top Ten countdown. She’s right. Here are my Top Ten tips for the first time you try cycling with toddler in tow.
10. Once you’ve secured your child’s shoes, helmet, safety gear and strapped him in, he will immediately do a vicious, up the back and down the legs explosive poo.
9. It’s nearly impossible to put on a child’s safety helmet without catching his fingers, sweet fleshy chin, or tongue in the strap.
8. Even if you secure his feet with the mini foot-straps you WILL get kicked repeatedly in the kidneys.
7. Be prepared for your child to pull up your top while you’re cycling through a crowd and yell “pee-pee” or another equally embarrassing bodily function at the top of his lungs.
6. Your Bootcut jeans that make your butt look nice WILL catch in the chain of your bike in front of aforementioned crowd.
5. Consider taking a test spin before riding off with your child, especially if you haven’t been on a bike for 10 years or so.
4. Trying to manage anything else, such as a café latte, playground gate, lip gloss or front door key with a child on the back of your bike will cause you, him and bike to crash to the ground.
3. Pedestrians will get arsey if you ride on the sidewalk, no matter how pathetic your cycling skills are and the number of crazy drivers on the road.
2. Speeding downhill to show off once you’ve got your bearings will only scare your child and make him cry hysterically.
1. Most importantly, do not expect your husband/partner/best friend accompanying you to stick with you through these cringey moments. They are too cool for this.
Written by Jen Corlew